Beer is the cause and solution to all of life's problems.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Stay busy, get plenty of exercise, and don't drink too much. Then again, don't drink too little.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living.
I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on.
This is one of the disadvantages of wine: it makes a man mistake words for thought.
One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We're in trouble!" "No," the driver says, "just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking."
So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?" The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch, trying to quit."
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Out with my wife." The guy says,
"What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
A gorilla walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "That'll be five bucks." As the gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender adds "You know, we don't get many gorillas in here." To which the gorilla replies, "At five bucks a beer, it's no wonder."